guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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