ya dads aren't the best wingmen
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Randomize
