they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
