you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
