Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
