just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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