dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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