i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just gift wrapped bread.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
