I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
