i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
