God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
