i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
i think im in europe. pls send help
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
