what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
