Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
