Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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