Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
