no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
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I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
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There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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