im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
