I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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