I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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