Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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