i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
