I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
