I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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