what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
