I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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