wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
