3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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