I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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