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Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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