I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
