Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
