my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Randomize
