Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
