I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
