Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I want to fling myself into the sun
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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