I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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