so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
