i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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