I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
