I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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