there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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