last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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