Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
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I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
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Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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