remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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