Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
