My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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