Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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