god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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