lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
