dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
