Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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