o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
