I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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