my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
