she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
