Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
