i already hear my dad disowning me
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Randomize
