That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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