I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I think i got beer on your cat.
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