Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
