I just threw up on my dentist
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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